These Scars Take Time to Heal

10 months ago I broke up with that girl. I didn’t know 10 months later, I would be in the same rut. The fears of loving again are growing stronger and stronger every week I am alone. I really do feel alone in this struggle. It is a struggle between me and my own self. There is no one else telling me that will never find love again other than my own mind. So I press on, towards a goal that hasn’t yet revealed itself to its full potential. I know that love is an attainable goal, and something that I know I will be able to feel again. The question isn’t if, it’s about how long. I’ve tried twice. And two times I have fallen flat on my face. Two girls, two failed attempts at trying to feel something again, and two girls who I have hurt dearly in the process of fulfilling my own selfish ambition. I can’t seem to figure out what my problem is. I am trying to find my confidence in the lord, not self confidence but assurance that being single is ok. I desperately want a partner, someone to share life with and someone that I know will always be there for me. A girl whose beauty is incomparable to any other that my eyes can see, and a heart that is more genuine than I could ever imagine. My life has certainly been blessed, let’s get that straight. I wake up in a home with 5 other guys who care about me, go to a school that has blessed me immensely, get to play a sport for a coach who believes in me and to top it all off my family and friends. In my head I take these for granted. I know how blessed I am and I try to remind myself of those blessings every day. But I feel like my young self when I was in middle school and early high school days. I feel like there is a hole in my heart, and it can only be filled by a woman who I genuinely love. She messed me up. The walls I have built around my heart are high and thick and lined by an electric fence with barbed wire. Every girl I come in contact with is a possibility to me for either a relationship or a one night stand. My heart is confused. I truly have no idea what I want.

            All of this is your fault. You stole this innocence from me. Mutually, it is both of our faults. But I feel like the consequences have more dire for me then they have been for you. I don’t understand why I have taken the brunt of this necessary break up. You were wrong for me for so many reasons. I put up with so much, and dealt with so much shit. I was constantly on high alert for your pissy fits. It wasn’t fair to me to take out every single angry thought you had out on me. All I did was wait on you, hand and feet, trying to make things normal again and trying to put a smile back on your face. I can’t believe the things that made you as mad as you got. You were a nuclear bomb just waiting for something as small as an atom to split. I gave you all of myself. I stayed up all night with you trying to get you to calm down. In the beginning it worked but after months and months my tricks and strategies didn’t work. I became tired and worn down by your ridiculousness. You didn’t deserve me. My first love was wasted on a tyrant who didn’t know what she had. You wore me down so much that now I have almost nothing to give. I came out of that disaster battered and bruised, and the scars are still showing their ugly faces. They still loom over my head like a dark cloud waiting to pour ice cold water on my head. I hope you’re happy whoring around. I’m glad I left you, and im glad I came to my senses. The good lord knows that if I had to do it all over again I would opt out and I would choose to be with my friends and family instead of wasting two years on you. You were nothing more than a mistake. The memories of smiles and laughter try to trick me into thinking there are things to be thankful for. Tricks and lies are all they are. You stole precious time from me. You turned me against my friends, and even my own family. How dare you. How dare you thirst and lust for my attention and attempt to steal me from school, work and lacrosse. How dare you brainwash me the way you did. My sister is a wonderful girl who wanted nothing more than attention from me when we were together. You convinced me that she hated me and that I should hate her back. I can’t believe what I fell for, those are some of my most shameful moments. Those nights when you and I would talk shit about the people closest to us. Your mentality of everyone being out to get you was a farce. You were so selfish. Thinking that everyone could somehow revolve around you. That everyone was out to get you. Are you so blind? You had no right to turn me against my best friends. Our relationship turned into no one but me and you. And you want to know why? It’s because no one wanted anything to do with either one of us. We were in our own world, unaware of the world outside of our bubble. Concerned with no one but ourselves. Blind to the needs of others. Blind to the desperate pleas for attention and love from my sister, ignorant to the needs of my dear friends in their times of need. Inconsiderate of other’s feelings when our lives were hard. Putting forward our own struggles and petty fights when it was time to focus on someone other than ourselves. You ruined me. Years later I am repairing a relationship cut short by the events of our relationship. A friend of mine who was ignored and cut from my life because of your jealousy. Someone who, if I was involved in her life, could have been someone much much different. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about what could be if I had been with her instead of wasting my time with you. Get out of my head. You don’t deserve to still be gnawing at my heart. I want you exterminated like the vermin you are. You date your immature boy toy. You engage in acts of sheer lust with him in hopes that he to fills some sort of void in your life. I pray you find salvation. You need it. But so do I. My wounds are deep. But in time they will heal. I press on knowing that in the distance, in the blurred future, something waits for me. Something more precious than gold. I know not the time or the place that I will find it. But my prayer is that I haven’t messed up bad enough to have missed it. I fear being alone for the rest of my life. At a university of over 20,000 people, there could be someone out there. I want to say that I am patiently waiting, but as of late, my eagerness has gotten the better of me. I want to use my heart again. I want to find love. I don’t want to waste it again. Taking something apart is much easier and faster than putting it together. I want to say I hate you, and the reason I want to say that is because in all honesty I probably do. But I don’t want hate to be in my heart because it festers, and multiplies. I want to be secure again. But I hate that when I lay in bed my mind reverts back to nights in your dorm room, where lust got the better of us both. If anything, that is my biggest regret. I can’t get that back. Now, my desires for such things come back and sit in the pit of my stomach. They don’t leave, instead they are entertained by my mind and are taken farther than they should be. I can’t ignore where I have been, now that I have had a piece of the cake, I only want more cake. How can one train himself to not want such things? As of now I can’t answer that question, I can only keep myself from situations where I could fall into the same sin again. But I know that the opportunities to fall are always there, and even now I don’t stop myself from trying to fulfill those wants. I’m so weak. I feel like in order to feel anything again I need to eliminate worldy desires. It doesn’t make sense to others, but in my head it makes sense. There are girls that I miss. The reason is mainly that I had had flings with them in the past and I miss that feeling. I don’t know what having a crush feels like anymore. I feel a numbness whenever I should feel feelings. I know only God can repair my heart and my mind. You stole so much from me. But, in my bitterness it is difficult to remember that in all your wrongs and all the things you took from me, I was the one who allowed it to happen. I am responsible for the majority of events that took place. I am thoroughly embarrassed by my own cowardness. So many times I had my tail between my legs when I should have taken a stand. So many mistakes could have been avoided if I had been a man. But my heart and my mind were on two separate pages. I have learned from those mistakes. In my second attempt at a relationship I took the role as a man of God. My intentions were good and even though I wanted more, I held myself back. I have improved in some areas, but certainly not all. I am not ready to be in a committed, spiritual relationship. The reasons are because, I am not yet ready to be someone else’s rock. I need more time to focus on myself and my relationship with the Lord. Until then, patience is something that I must learn to be better at. I don’t miss you. I miss the idea of you. I miss having someone to hold, someone to talk to. But that someone is certainly not you. I know who I am. And I have grown and matured. I am ready to be my own man, and to stand up for what I believe. But I am not yet ready to be your man.                                                                                                                            I know you’re out there love. I don’t know who you are or where you are. I don’t know what you look like, or what you believe. All I know is that you will be the first one to feel my love to its fullest potential. You and you alone will experience me at the top of my game. You will witness me at my spiritual highs, and my lows. But I know that you will be there for me all the time. You will not force me to decide between you and my own family. You will encourage me to integrate you both into my life. Purity won’t be a problem anymore because we will wait for marriage. You mean the world to me, whoever you are, and I love you. I am sorry that I don’t come to you with everything to give you. I messed up throughout my life and I have lost parts of myself. But you can have everything else. The lord will bring you into my life at the perfect time, because it will be HIS time, not mine. I am praying for you and your life.                                      I’m not perfect, and I’m messed up and confusing. Thank God for the people in my life. They have been given patience and understanding to have been able to still be by my side today. My emotional roller coaster is one that would be featured in the world’s greatest amusement park. The Lord never said this life would be easy. James 1 has gotten me through a lot of my hard times, and that verse will always be a reminder of what I have been through, but better yet, of what I will come out with. Time goes on. I choose to enjoy the friendships I have now, and to invest in those friendships. If someone special comes up, then I want to take it super slow. Make sure my reservations have cleared up and my fears have been resolved. 

Rise

"I yurn to rise above the status quo. 

Striving to represent something more 

beautiful than the dirt that we know. 

But as the word tells us-

I will always fall short of His glory,

But I press on."

 I never thought that I was the poetic type. But what you see above is what I wrote down during a class of mine. It had flown and perched itself in my mind like a curious bird in a tree above a picnic. The words wouldn't leave, I hoped I could remember the words to write down later on so I could focus on my class but I decided to attend to this thought and do it the service of writing it down. The words came out so smooth and polished. It was as if they had been there for years refining themselves within the likes of my own mind. I looked up, thought for a moment and smiled. I looked back down at what I had written in the corner of my paper and knew I had something good. 

         I may not be as good a poet as Shakespeare, and I may not know the exact requirements for a specific type of poem, but what I do know is that these words came from my heart. The syllables and rythym might not be up to code, but it is in sync with the beat of my heart. My heart's true desire is to be different. Blending into the crowd in this world is an act that gets us nowhere. No successful person of influence ever boasted about their decision to be a part of the status quo. The opposite is true in this case. In the pursuit for civil rights, do you think that Martin Luther King Jr. thought to himself how he could blend in and hope that things would magically get better? Of course not. In the same way that Dr. King took a stand to racism, my heart wants to take a stand on normality. I believe that everybody has a purpose for their lives. I believe that every person on this planet has a God given ability to make a difference in our world. People sit back and wish that they had the abilities that the person next to them have, because if they had that trait, then they could change the world. People this is a lie. Do not conform to the patterns of this world! To me that means take pride in who God made you to be! God has a perfect and beautiful plan for all of our lives. Regardless of the giants we may be facing right now, God has a way out that will glorify him and lead you to a better place. An analogy I recently heard was that of a bullfight. In a bullfight there are 3 main components. The bull, the matador and the red cape. Time and time again the bull charges the cape and time and time again the matador stabs the bull as he runs past. The naive bull sits back and wonders why he is getting stabbed. He hopes and wishes for the power to make the stabbing and pain stop. With this mentality the bull will never succeed. But the wise bull realizes that there is a pattern. Every time he runs for the cape, he gets stabbed. He realizes that the cape isn't the one hurting him, it's the matador. He comes to the conclusion that if he wants the pain to stop he must stop the matador from hurting him. The next time he charges, he isn't aiming at the cape, he's aiming for the matador. What this analogy is conveying is that we all have the power to make a change. We can hope and pray for all the power and opportunity, but what we need to realize is that God has already given us the strength and knowledge to make a difference, the key is realizing it and waking up. 

      As Christians we should realize that we have been given the task to rise above the muck and grime in our modern world. It is one that is not easy to complete. The temptations we face on a daily basis is unheard of. Access to sin is as easy as pressing a button these days. The decision is ours and it is one that needs to be consciously made everyday, every minute, and every second. 

      My desire is that God will be apparent in my life. Being different is something that is not looked kindly upon these days. My commitment to purity, excluding alcohol and drugs in my life are the ones that people quickly see. Instantly when people learn where I stand on drinking, smoking and girls people have questions. I cannot tell you how many times I have explained why I believe the things I do. But it is so much deeper than those commitments. I want to make a difference. I want to be a light to those who are lost. Often times I feel overwhelmed with this desire and push it away because of its sheer intimidation. But time and time again this thought finds ways to pester me. I hope the way that I carry myself is genuine. I want to be intentional with people and show interest not only in their day to day, but in their spiritual journey as well. In my spiritual growth I want to find ways to help others grow as well. Not just with my words but with my actions. A man can lead a group solely with words and impressive speeches, but if he does not walk in what he preaches he is not worthy to lead. I want to be able to lead with my actions. I want to inspire a generation. I want to introduce a new vibe in the workplace and in the classroom. Negativity is an element in our world that is accepted all to often. Psalm 55:22 says to cast your cares on the lord for he will never let the righteous fall. DO NOT DWELL ON YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS. We all fall short of the glory of God. We are humans, we are designed to fail. And that my friends is why we need the lord. We cannot do the things we wish to do without the help of our lord. I cannot fulfill my heart's desire without seeking the lord first. Seeking his guidance and counsel is what will ultimately determine the direction of my desire and the success.  As I reminisce on my life I realize that in every small detail of my life, God has been present. Every single step of the way. My life is inexplicably coincidental if there was no higher power guiding my every step. This knowledge, this security, this confidence is what fuels me now. I believe in my heart that my God will fight for me. I need only be still. I have a goal. I want to be like Christ. Some days might be less productive than others, but my wish is that I will not become comfortable in my current spiritual walk. I want to be better everyday. I want to be the man God wants me to become. I want to have a positive impact on those around me. My roomates, my classmates, my teammates, my family, my girlfriend/wife (when that time comes), and even my closest friends. This world needs people to help defamiliarize the masses of the lies they are being told everyday. I pray the lord gives me the words and knowledge on what that looks like, if he can use me to aid in such a task, I want to be ready when he calls my name. Because when he does, I will rise. 

Never a care free decision

                         Consequences for going left, and consequences for going right.

Isn't it crazy that in this world it seems that everyday we wake up and are faced with decisions that seem to have little or no effect on ourselves? The first decision of course is whether or not you are ready to get out of bed or not. Which is always a tough decision to make. But once that one is made we are faced with what seems like simpler ones, like whether or not to make coffee, to have cereal or no breakfast at all etc. The reality of course is that these decisions are more like routine to us than they are conscious decisions.
        What effect does this have on our spiritual lives? In life we are often put into situations where we have to make quick decisions on the fly. As a life-long christian, I like to think I have practiced these decisions and think I have done a relatively good job. However, minutes, hours, days, months, and years later I remember my decision and wonder what branched out from that decision on God's map for my life. It is a scary thought and one that I try to avoid, but one that is very real and present within my daily thoughts.
        I sometimes wander about things I may have missed out on. Do you ever do that? Well if I just hadn't eaten that chicken I wouldn't have gotten food poisoning, or if I had just scored that game winning goal then my life would have been so different. Thoughts like these, personally I have found, are destructive. To dwell in "what could have been" seems a little bit like questioning the position God has placed you in currently. After all, everything happens for a reason right? Right. God assures us throughout the bible that he has a beautiful and perfect plan for each and everyone of us. One of my most recent regrets is my last relationship with a girl who shall remain anonymous. This relationship took over me before I could even resist. I was engulfed not only by temptation, but a veil had been put over my head and I didn't know what that veil was. Well, I reasoned that this veil was in fact love. Looking back on this, I laugh because the traits that were consistent with love were so absent in this relationship. The bible describes love as patient, kind, does not boast, is not proud, etc. If someone had been recording the events in that relationship I am almost certain that those descriptors would not have been used for our "love." Temptation had gotten the better of me, and as I drove home after nights of shame, I realized that more and more of me had been lost. The arguing, the anger, the tension, the confusion, and the regret had caught up to me and I finally took a stand and decided that losing myself to a woman who I knew I wouldn't marry wasn't worth it.
         I praise the lord for his ability to forgive, because that was what I needed to hear. As I crawled out of darkness, broken and dirty, I emerged in a new setting. I won't say that clarity was what I saw because I don't believe God gives us true "clarity." But what I saw was a vast space of openness and of opportunity. I could see the world through my eyes again. I wasn't distracted with the interpretation that had been forced upon me anymore. My opinions, thoughts and ideas were all out and allowed to stretch their legs and run free in the valley of green that I was now standing in. My decisions in that relationship greatly molded my character. It took a little while for me to truly realize the long term effects it had on me but it was all being exposed in the light. Parts of myself were gone, damaged, or almost impossible to access. So started a healing process that would last months. As I type this I only now am regaining my ability to have feelings for a new woman, which is something that I thought would take much longer, but by the grace of God he put a diamond among the dirt and mud for me to find. These past 7 months have been months of personal healing. Training myself to be me. What it felt like, looked like, to truly be myself. I reformed my values, morals, and beliefs. I surrounded myself with a group of men that reminded me of who I was. I thank the lord on a daily basis for the men he has placed in my life. Men who are genuine and intentional with me and express interest in my life. I truly believe that meditation, prayer, and these men are what got me through this period in my life. I truly am unsure as to where I would be had I not had these men with me. Men, you know who you are if you ever read this. You're efforts and friendship have changed my life more than you could ever imagine. I thank you for you, and your patience with me.
      Progress has been monumental. My decisions in life have seriously been reduced to, making coffee or not, breakfast or not, class or not, and hanging out with the boys and this wonderful new lady. I thank God for the rough times I've gone through thus far. James 1 will forever stick with me as a constant reminder to "Consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds." Who I am now is a direct result of my decisions, and I am pretty happy with who I am. God is good.