10 months ago I broke up with that girl.
I didn’t know 10 months later, I would be in the same rut. The fears of loving
again are growing stronger and stronger every week I am alone. I really do feel
alone in this struggle. It is a struggle between me and my own self. There is
no one else telling me that will never find love again other than my own mind.
So I press on, towards a goal that hasn’t yet revealed itself to its full
potential. I know that love is an attainable goal, and something that I know I
will be able to feel again. The question isn’t if, it’s about how long. I’ve
tried twice. And two times I have fallen flat on my face. Two girls, two failed
attempts at trying to feel something again, and two girls who I have hurt
dearly in the process of fulfilling my own selfish ambition. I can’t seem to
figure out what my problem is. I am trying to find my confidence in the lord,
not self confidence but assurance that being single is ok. I desperately want a
partner, someone to share life with and someone that I know will always be
there for me. A girl whose beauty is incomparable to any other that my eyes can
see, and a heart that is more genuine than I could ever imagine. My life has
certainly been blessed, let’s get that straight. I wake up in a home with 5
other guys who care about me, go to a school that has blessed me immensely, get
to play a sport for a coach who believes in me and to top it all off my family
and friends. In my head I take these for granted. I know how blessed I am and I
try to remind myself of those blessings every day. But I feel like my young
self when I was in middle school and early high school days. I feel like there
is a hole in my heart, and it can only be filled by a woman who I genuinely
love. She messed me up. The walls I have built around my heart are high and
thick and lined by an electric fence with barbed wire. Every girl I come in
contact with is a possibility to me for either a relationship or a one night
stand. My heart is confused. I truly have no idea what I want.
All
of this is your fault. You stole this innocence from me. Mutually, it is both
of our faults. But I feel like the consequences have more dire for me then they
have been for you. I don’t understand why I have taken the brunt of this
necessary break up. You were wrong for me for so many reasons. I put up with so
much, and dealt with so much shit. I was constantly on high alert for your
pissy fits. It wasn’t fair to me to take out every single angry thought you had
out on me. All I did was wait on you, hand and feet, trying to make things
normal again and trying to put a smile back on your face. I can’t believe the
things that made you as mad as you got. You were a nuclear bomb just waiting
for something as small as an atom to split. I gave you all of myself. I stayed
up all night with you trying to get you to calm down. In the beginning it
worked but after months and months my tricks and strategies didn’t work. I
became tired and worn down by your ridiculousness. You didn’t deserve me. My
first love was wasted on a tyrant who didn’t know what she had. You wore me
down so much that now I have almost nothing to give. I came out of that
disaster battered and bruised, and the scars are still showing their ugly faces.
They still loom over my head like a dark cloud waiting to pour ice cold water
on my head. I hope you’re happy whoring around. I’m glad I left you, and im
glad I came to my senses. The good lord knows that if I had to do it all over
again I would opt out and I would choose to be with my friends and family
instead of wasting two years on you. You were nothing more than a mistake. The
memories of smiles and laughter try to trick me into thinking there are things
to be thankful for. Tricks and lies are all they are. You stole precious time
from me. You turned me against my friends, and even my own family. How dare
you. How dare you thirst and lust for my attention and attempt to steal me from
school, work and lacrosse. How dare you brainwash me the way you did. My sister
is a wonderful girl who wanted nothing more than attention from me when we were
together. You convinced me that she hated me and that I should hate her back. I
can’t believe what I fell for, those are some of my most shameful moments.
Those nights when you and I would talk shit about the people closest to us.
Your mentality of everyone being out to get you was a farce. You were so
selfish. Thinking that everyone could somehow revolve around you. That everyone
was out to get you. Are you so blind? You had no right to turn me against my
best friends. Our relationship turned into no one but me and you. And you want
to know why? It’s because no one wanted anything to do with either one of us.
We were in our own world, unaware of the world outside of our bubble. Concerned
with no one but ourselves. Blind to the needs of others. Blind to the desperate
pleas for attention and love from my sister, ignorant to the needs of my dear
friends in their times of need. Inconsiderate of other’s feelings when our
lives were hard. Putting forward our own struggles and petty fights when it was
time to focus on someone other than ourselves. You ruined me. Years later I am
repairing a relationship cut short by the events of our relationship. A friend
of mine who was ignored and cut from my life because of your jealousy. Someone
who, if I was involved in her life, could have been someone much much
different. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about what could be if I had
been with her instead of wasting my time with you. Get out of my head. You don’t
deserve to still be gnawing at my heart. I want you exterminated like the
vermin you are. You date your immature boy toy. You engage in acts of sheer lust
with him in hopes that he to fills some sort of void in your life. I pray you
find salvation. You need it. But so do I. My wounds are deep. But in time they
will heal. I press on knowing that in the distance, in the blurred future,
something waits for me. Something more precious than gold. I know not the time
or the place that I will find it. But my prayer is that I haven’t messed up bad
enough to have missed it. I fear being alone for the rest of my life. At a
university of over 20,000 people, there could be someone out there. I want to
say that I am patiently waiting, but as of late, my eagerness has gotten the
better of me. I want to use my heart again. I want to find love. I don’t want
to waste it again. Taking something apart is much easier and faster than
putting it together. I want to say I hate you, and the reason I want to say
that is because in all honesty I probably do. But I don’t want hate to be in my
heart because it festers, and multiplies. I want to be secure again. But I hate
that when I lay in bed my mind reverts back to nights in your dorm room, where
lust got the better of us both. If anything, that is my biggest regret. I can’t
get that back. Now, my desires for such things come back and sit in the pit of
my stomach. They don’t leave, instead they are entertained by my mind and are
taken farther than they should be. I can’t ignore where I have been, now that I
have had a piece of the cake, I only want more cake. How can one train himself
to not want such things? As of now I can’t answer that question, I can only
keep myself from situations where I could fall into the same sin again. But I know
that the opportunities to fall are always there, and even now I don’t stop
myself from trying to fulfill those wants. I’m so weak. I feel like in order to
feel anything again I need to eliminate worldy desires. It doesn’t make sense
to others, but in my head it makes sense. There are girls that I miss. The
reason is mainly that I had had flings with them in the past and I miss that
feeling. I don’t know what having a crush feels like anymore. I feel a numbness
whenever I should feel feelings. I know only God can repair my heart and my
mind. You stole so much from me. But, in my bitterness it is difficult to
remember that in all your wrongs and all the things you took from me, I was the
one who allowed it to happen. I am responsible for the majority of events that
took place. I am thoroughly embarrassed by my own cowardness. So many times I had
my tail between my legs when I should have taken a stand. So many mistakes
could have been avoided if I had been a man. But my heart and my mind were on
two separate pages. I have learned from those mistakes. In my second attempt at
a relationship I took the role as a man of God. My intentions were good and
even though I wanted more, I held myself back. I have improved in some areas,
but certainly not all. I am not ready to be in a committed, spiritual relationship.
The reasons are because, I am not yet ready to be someone else’s rock. I need
more time to focus on myself and my relationship with the Lord. Until then,
patience is something that I must learn to be better at. I don’t miss you. I
miss the idea of you. I miss having someone to hold, someone to talk to. But
that someone is certainly not you. I know who I am. And I have grown and
matured. I am ready to be my own man, and to stand up for what I believe. But I
am not yet ready to be your man. I
know you’re out there love. I don’t know who you are or where you are. I don’t know
what you look like, or what you believe. All I know is that you will be the
first one to feel my love to its fullest potential. You and you alone will experience
me at the top of my game. You will witness me at my spiritual highs, and my
lows. But I know that you will be there for me all the time. You will not force
me to decide between you and my own family. You will encourage me to integrate
you both into my life. Purity won’t be a problem anymore because we will wait
for marriage. You mean the world to me, whoever you are, and I love you. I am
sorry that I don’t come to you with everything to give you. I messed up
throughout my life and I have lost parts of myself. But you can have everything
else. The lord will bring you into my life at the perfect time, because it will
be HIS time, not mine. I am praying for you and your life. I’m not perfect, and I’m messed up and confusing. Thank
God for the people in my life. They have been given patience and understanding
to have been able to still be by my side today. My emotional roller coaster is
one that would be featured in the world’s greatest amusement park. The Lord
never said this life would be easy. James 1 has gotten me through a lot of my
hard times, and that verse will always be a reminder of what I have been
through, but better yet, of what I will come out with. Time goes on. I choose
to enjoy the friendships I have now, and to invest in those friendships. If
someone special comes up, then I want to take it super slow. Make sure my
reservations have cleared up and my fears have been resolved.
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