Have you ever lost track of who you were? Ever looked back on your life and reminisced on the days where you could say you were proud of who you were? I say this mainly because lately I've been overwhelmed with disappointment. Not disappointment with the cards that life has dealt me, but disappointment in the way I think and consequently the choices I make. I truly feel caught in a deep, dark, and cold rut. I can see the light and the exit, and I know how to get there, but I keep hesitating. Holding back from the reward, which is simply freedom. I feel imprisoned by the bondage of pleasurable desire, one that only a woman can quench. At face value it seems shallow, and that's because, it's just the tip of the iceberg. But I feel like the lust is simply a scapegoat for something deeper.
I want her to be in my life. I want her here with me to tell me she loves me,
The problem is, I don't know who she is yet. I wish I was ready for her to walk into my life, but the truth is, I'm not ready. I have a long way to go. I want that intimacy, and love for a woman. But I desire for a Christ centered relationship. But, I don't feel like I could possibly be strong enough to lead in such a way. Not yet. I look up to so many incredible men of God and I hope one day I could be like them but in my own way. My prayer is that this desire to be better will produce results. I want to be a man of God, I want to be deserving of a woman that The Lord himself picked out for me. She's out there. Somewhere. And it's my job right now, to better myself so that one day I could be deserving of her love.
