Never a care free decision

                         Consequences for going left, and consequences for going right.

Isn't it crazy that in this world it seems that everyday we wake up and are faced with decisions that seem to have little or no effect on ourselves? The first decision of course is whether or not you are ready to get out of bed or not. Which is always a tough decision to make. But once that one is made we are faced with what seems like simpler ones, like whether or not to make coffee, to have cereal or no breakfast at all etc. The reality of course is that these decisions are more like routine to us than they are conscious decisions.
        What effect does this have on our spiritual lives? In life we are often put into situations where we have to make quick decisions on the fly. As a life-long christian, I like to think I have practiced these decisions and think I have done a relatively good job. However, minutes, hours, days, months, and years later I remember my decision and wonder what branched out from that decision on God's map for my life. It is a scary thought and one that I try to avoid, but one that is very real and present within my daily thoughts.
        I sometimes wander about things I may have missed out on. Do you ever do that? Well if I just hadn't eaten that chicken I wouldn't have gotten food poisoning, or if I had just scored that game winning goal then my life would have been so different. Thoughts like these, personally I have found, are destructive. To dwell in "what could have been" seems a little bit like questioning the position God has placed you in currently. After all, everything happens for a reason right? Right. God assures us throughout the bible that he has a beautiful and perfect plan for each and everyone of us. One of my most recent regrets is my last relationship with a girl who shall remain anonymous. This relationship took over me before I could even resist. I was engulfed not only by temptation, but a veil had been put over my head and I didn't know what that veil was. Well, I reasoned that this veil was in fact love. Looking back on this, I laugh because the traits that were consistent with love were so absent in this relationship. The bible describes love as patient, kind, does not boast, is not proud, etc. If someone had been recording the events in that relationship I am almost certain that those descriptors would not have been used for our "love." Temptation had gotten the better of me, and as I drove home after nights of shame, I realized that more and more of me had been lost. The arguing, the anger, the tension, the confusion, and the regret had caught up to me and I finally took a stand and decided that losing myself to a woman who I knew I wouldn't marry wasn't worth it.
         I praise the lord for his ability to forgive, because that was what I needed to hear. As I crawled out of darkness, broken and dirty, I emerged in a new setting. I won't say that clarity was what I saw because I don't believe God gives us true "clarity." But what I saw was a vast space of openness and of opportunity. I could see the world through my eyes again. I wasn't distracted with the interpretation that had been forced upon me anymore. My opinions, thoughts and ideas were all out and allowed to stretch their legs and run free in the valley of green that I was now standing in. My decisions in that relationship greatly molded my character. It took a little while for me to truly realize the long term effects it had on me but it was all being exposed in the light. Parts of myself were gone, damaged, or almost impossible to access. So started a healing process that would last months. As I type this I only now am regaining my ability to have feelings for a new woman, which is something that I thought would take much longer, but by the grace of God he put a diamond among the dirt and mud for me to find. These past 7 months have been months of personal healing. Training myself to be me. What it felt like, looked like, to truly be myself. I reformed my values, morals, and beliefs. I surrounded myself with a group of men that reminded me of who I was. I thank the lord on a daily basis for the men he has placed in my life. Men who are genuine and intentional with me and express interest in my life. I truly believe that meditation, prayer, and these men are what got me through this period in my life. I truly am unsure as to where I would be had I not had these men with me. Men, you know who you are if you ever read this. You're efforts and friendship have changed my life more than you could ever imagine. I thank you for you, and your patience with me.
      Progress has been monumental. My decisions in life have seriously been reduced to, making coffee or not, breakfast or not, class or not, and hanging out with the boys and this wonderful new lady. I thank God for the rough times I've gone through thus far. James 1 will forever stick with me as a constant reminder to "Consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds." Who I am now is a direct result of my decisions, and I am pretty happy with who I am. God is good.